


Star Wars-The Rise of Reylo

by SassyArtichoke



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A lot of kissing, Ben and Rey have major melt-downs, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, First Kiss, Force Ghosts, Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Happy Ending, I love him, Leia still dies though, Luke is still grumpy, POV Ben Solo, POV Finn (Star Wars), POV Rey (Star Wars), Palps is an old ballsack, Rey is Nobody (Star Wars), Rey is Not a Palpatine (Star Wars), Rey's parents were assholes, Reylo - Freeform, Rose actually gets to have real DIALOGUE, Space idiots, TROS alternative ending, The Force Ships It, Tros fix-it, a lot of melodrama, also poe needs to learn how to be responsible, amazeballs right?, anakin ships it, but also an idiot, but this is not the last of what you've seen of her, finn is a hero, granddaddy Anakin will troll our idiots a bit, i love them, just talk damnit, major existential crisis, sassy force ghosts, skywalker men are drama queens, they are so in love but so in denial, they desperately pine for each other, this is my very first multi-chapter fic be nice pls!, tros, two idiots that share one brain cell, two lonely space virgins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28410642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyArtichoke/pseuds/SassyArtichoke
Summary: "I did want to take your hand. Ben‘s hand."TROS Fix-it Fic. With Palpatine's sinister plot revealed, Rey's only chance to save the Galaxy is to defeat him before it's too late. But can she do it alone?
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 38
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey :) This is the very first multi-chapter fanfic I publish, so I'm really excited and nervous! Please kudo and leave comments, if you liked it!
> 
> I want to thank my wonderful beta-readers who helped me so much with this chapter:  
> \- hellostarlight (https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellostarlight/pseuds/hellostarlight)  
> \- Megara09 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megara09/pseuds/Megara09)  
> \- Everren (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everren/pseuds/Everren) or @Everren327 (Twitter)  
> \- asongstress1422 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongstress1422)  
> \- tsarinastorm (https://tsarinastorm.tumblr.com/)  
> \- Lihgtwood (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lihgtwood/pseuds/Lihgtwood)  
> I thank you all so much, you wonderful human beings, I couldn't have done it without you!
> 
> Enjoy!

Dark walls of water rage over the ocean, pummeling the ruins of the Second Death Star, indifferent to its once-incredible destructive superpower. Now, the skeletal remains are only an echo of the terror it inspired decades ago, reduced to rubble by the relentless tide. It’s only a matter of time before the structure fully collapses under its own weight.

A lone figure sits slumped on an island of wreckages, long-limbed and draped in black, seemingly unaffected by the storm raging around him. The churning water rattles the structures as if trying to shake him off, but he doesn’t move.

His skin is pale and his lips are colored an unhealthy shade of purple, the circles under his eyes deep and dark, hair plastered to his skull. His eyes stare into nothing. To anyone else, he might look dead. But his chest rises and falls with every breath, and his body trembles slightly. 

A boom as a wave crashes against the hull, and ice-cold water geysers up to drench him. The chill and wetness have long since seeped through his clothes, his skin, and right down into his bones. But still he doesn’t move, doesn’t feel the biting cold, his gaze unfocused as he stares into the distance.

The characteristic scream of a TIE-fighter shakes him out of his stupor. He blinks once, then drags his gaze up as his ship rises into the air. He knows she’s there, Rey. Is she looking for him, too? Does she hesitate for just a moment to check and see if he’s been taken by the ocean, a casualty of the storm? It doesn’t matter, doesn’t change anything, because she’s leaving now. His eyes follow the ship until it’s nothing but a dot, which then disappears into the gray blanket of clouds.

His eyes fall to the lightsaber next to him. She didn’t take it with her. Forgotten or left behind? The weapon has been a constant companion all these years, as much a part of him as his hand. He picks it up with stiff fingers and stares at it. Now the weight feels foreign in his palm.

The roaring of the waves rising and crashing all around him stirs him into action. His legs tremble as he forces himself to his feet. He staggers at first, then turns towards the Death Star. An unknown feeling begins to settle deep within him.

_‘Ben…’_

The voice tears open a hole in his chest, one that is black and throbbing with pain. Dizziness overtakes him and he stumbles again. His mother is gone.

What has he done? Numbness spreads from his hands to his arms, but it doesn’t take the pain away. She died before he could see her face again. And it’s his fault alone. This time, he has no one else to blame. Not even Snoke. He failed! He killed his father. And he killed his mother too. Is no one safe from him?

Choking out a gasp, his fingers fly to his throat to claw at it. He’s breathing fast, each shallow inhale hurts but does nothing to remove the lump that gags him. He begins to drag himself over the ruins, not knowing where he’s going. The only thing he knows is that he has to leave, has to get to the interior of the Death Star, safe from the raging ocean. He squints his eyes and blinks repeatedly to clear the rain, but his vision remains distorted. 

Without warning, a mountain of water crashes into him, sending him to his knees. Only his instincts keep him from being crushed and swept away into the ocean to meet a certain death. 

_‘Ben, my sweet.’_

Another wave collides with him. He gasps for air, but nothing seems to enter his lungs. He has to get away from this moon. But where to? His mother is gone; he has nowhere else to turn. 

Feet slipping on the surface’s slick metal, he struggles to regain his footing. He fights himself up again and continues on towards the Death Star’s hulking eye. The mist of sprayed sea water dissipates in front of him and he stops, finding himself standing at the edge of the wreckage, a deep channel through which the ocean churns and spits, separating him from another spur of the corroding super weapon. He leans over the edge and stares down at the churning water. His fingers tighten around his lightsaber. The fall would be long, but the darkness would quickly pull him into its claws. 

_‘You are weak. You deserve it.’_

Snoke. Ben shivers at the voice. It’s ugly and piercing cold. Even after his death, he can’t get rid of his words, as if they have been ingrained into every fiber of his being. He wants to shrink away from it, to step away or to step over the edge, just to get away from it.

A gush of salt water from below slaps him in the face and forces him back. He coughs and spits out salt water, blinking at the sting.

 _‘Don‘t give up, son.’_

He feels the ghost of his father’s hand on his shoulder, hears his rough voice and smells the familiar old scent of the Falcon. Han Solo, larger than life, stands behind the pilot’s seat as he watches his son at his first flying lesson. They had stolen away from under Leia’s watchful eyes. She hadn’t approved of their plans, claiming her baby boy was much too young, but Ben had been too excited to fly the Falcon, to finally become a pilot like his father. He remembers how eager he had been to become just like him.

For a moment, he sees _himself_ plummeting over this ledge, a singed hole in his tunic where a red plasma blade had left its lasting mark on him, just as it had on his father before him. A bitter smile tugs at his lips. Wouldn’t that be ironic? Or simply justice?

_‘Come home.’_

He tears his gaze away from the beckoning darkness and peers to the other side. It’s so far away. Something pushes down on him from everywhere, heavy and oppressive, and his legs threaten to buckle, to topple him into the void.

_‘You are not strong enough. Pathetic. Weak.’_

“You’re lying. You always have,” Ben snarls and grits his teeth. But something coils deep inside him, dark and slithery, trying to get to the surface.

_‘You are not enough. You will never be. That is why your parents abandoned you, Kylo Ren. You know the truth.’_

_‘Ben…’_

The other voice is weaker now, drowned out by his master’s truths.

_‘This is why she left you. This is why they all leave you. They know how weak you are.’_

He wants to cover his ears, screw his eyes shut, and curl up on the floor, hoping it would make the voices stop, that the monster would disappear. He’s tired of fighting, doesn’t have the strength to keep going. He won’t reach the other side. It’s too far away.

_‘You are too weak, too cowardly to accept the truth, Kylo Ren. You-’_

_‘I‘ll help you...I saw it.’_

A calm washes over him and the creature in his stomach stills. He releases a shaky breath as some feeling returns to his limbs. He stands taller and attaches the lightsaber back to his belt, fixating his eyes on the other side. It doesn’t seem so far away now. 

Taking in deep gulps of air, he staggers backwards, then stops, the muscles in his legs tensing. Wiping a hand over his dripping forehead, he clenches his jaw hard and gathers the Force around him. Then he sprints towards the edge and pushes himself off as hard as he can.

He lands with a heavy thud. Pain shoots up his legs when they collide with the metal surface, and his knees buckle. He grunts and lowers his head, screwing his eyes shut. Just before he moves to get up, a hot pain pierces his stomach. He gasps and falls back.

_‘She impaled you. Cold-hearted and without hesitation. She hates you.’_

He grabs at his hair, pulling it as he suppresses a cry. Is he meant to make everyone hate him? What’s wrong with him? Why does everyone he cares for either abandon or try to kill him? 

_‘You deserve it,’_ the voice grates against his mind, sending shivers down his spine. ‘ _Because you are pathetic. Because you are disturbed. You have been flawed from the moment you were born.’_

‘ _Don’t do this, Ben. Please don’t go this way.’_

The voice throws the memory back at him in a terrible mockery. Rey believed in him once, thought she could turn him, _save_ him. She had so much faith in him, built up hope, only for him to crush it. He remembers the look in her eyes, the tears streaming down her face. He hurt her then, and he didn’t stop. Because that’s the only thing he’s good at: hurting people he loves. He hurt her, pushed her to the point where she almost killed him. 

“What’s wrong with me?” he beseeches the storm, but the thundering of the waves is the only answer he gets. 

He wants to reach out with the Force to find Rey, to hear her voice, feel her light...but he’s too afraid to find that she has blocked him out again. Or worse, that he can’t feel her at all. 

His voice trembles. “Forgive me.”

He was not good enough for Rey then, and he’s not enough now. A weak, pathetic boy lapping up any affection he could get. And she punished him for that. If he was stronger, if he could offer her more...

_‘I did want to take your hand.’_

Her face flashes in his mind - the devastated expression, the tears.

‘ _Ben’s hand.’_

He blinks and falls back, his mind empty, trying to grasp something, to make sense of it. He doesn’t understand, it doesn’t make sense, it’s _impossible_. Her words echo in his head. 

His eyes snap open. She called him a creature, a monster. Every time the Force connected them, her eyes were burning with hate and her mouth twisted into a snarl as she spat insults at him.

Until she didn’t. She started to call him by his old name. Ben. Her eyes softened, her voice lost its cutting edge, and she began to look at him in a way he had forgotten how eyes could look. Warm and compassionate.

‘ _I did want to take your hand. Ben’s hand.’_

He hits the metal with his fist. How could he be so stupid? He was blinded by his arrogance, his rage, his hurt. She didn’t betray him back then. She rejected Kylo Ren and what he represented, the mask, the lie. She didn’t want power or to rule the galaxy. She just wanted _Ben Solo_.

But who is that man? Is he even still alive after everything that happened? Coming to a halt in front of an opening into the ruins, he listens to see if they may have an answer. They remain as silent as a grave. 

His stomach clenches. Whose life has he been living all these years? Did he sacrifice everything for nothing? Was all the suffering in vain? He knows he isn’t the man he used to be. He also knows he can’t ever return to who he was before he named himself Kylo Ren. So who is he now? 

His hands start to tremble again, freezing and wet despite the leather. He glares down at his gloves, suddenly hating them. Then he strips them off and throws them to the side to be caught and carried by the wind. His whole life has been a waste!

There’s a fire burning inside him, hot and destructive, threatening to eat him alive. Tears flood his face, but the pain in his throat refuses to leave. That sickness deep inside is still holding onto him with a firm grip, claws burying deep into his soul. Is he losing his mind?

He heaves a sob and rubs his face, trying in vain to stop the tears from running down his cheeks. Then his hands freeze. Slowly, his fingers spread over his face, running over his skin. His whole body goes rigid. It’s completely smooth.

Fingers trembling, he runs them over his face again. And again. It can’t be. 

But it’s gone.

The scar is gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your kudos and wonderful comments! 😊
> 
> I want to thank my wonderful beta-readers who helped me so much with this chapter:  
> \- hellostarlight (https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellostarlight/pseuds/hellostarlight)  
> \- Megara09 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megara09/pseuds/Megara09)  
> \- Everren (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everren/pseuds/Everren) or @Everren327 (Twitter)  
> \- asongstress1422 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongstress1422)  
> \- tsarinastorm (https://tsarinastorm.tumblr.com/)  
> Without further ado, enjoy this chapter 😉

“He‘s escaping,“ Jannah shouts, pointing to the turbulent sky, “Ren’s escaping!“

Now Finn can see it too. A TIE-fighter is soaring into the grey sky, the screaming of its engines almost drowned out by the roaring sea.

“No,“ he mutters, feeling a different vibration when he focuses on the ship as it disappears. “It‘s Rey.“

“What did you say?“ Jannah hollers against the storm, pushing her dark, curly hair away from her face as she approaches him.

“It‘s not Kylo Ren! It‘s Rey! She‘s in that ship!“ Relief floods through him. She survived. His relieved smile morphs into a frown. If Rey was in the ship, then where is Kylo Ren? Something tells him he‘s still alive.

“How do you know?“

“Later!“ he exclaims as a wave hits the structure where they stand, threatening to send them to the bottom of the ocean. “We have to get away from here, it‘s too dangerous!“

They find their fishing skimmer again, thankfully still intact, and return back to the shore. Poe is pacing when they arrive, hands on his hips and muttering something under his breath. When he sees them, the blatant worry on his face is wiped away instantly, and his eyes light up.

“You guys made it back.“ He jogs towards them and grabs Finn by the shoulders to look him up and down for injuries. When he doesn‘t find any, he looks behind them at the skimmer and blinks. “Where‘s Rey?“

“She jumped world on Ren’s ship” Finn informs, shaking his head. “No idea where she‘s going but at least she‘s alive.“

“He’s dead?” Poe asks incredulously. He doesn’t like the man, and honestly probably hates him, he captured and tortured him after all, but he is General Organa’s son and he doesn’t want to have to be the one to bring her the news of her son’s death at her prodigy’s hands.

The corners of Finn‘s mouth turn down in distaste. “I don‘t think so.“

“Don’t think so?” Poe repeats, looking his friend up and down again. Could he have hit his head? Finn isn’t one for being vague.

He rubs the back of his neck and clears his throat. “I just have a feeling.”

Poe throws him a long look and scoffs. “A feeling,“ he repeats with a flat voice. 

“Is this what you wanted to talk to me about before?“ Jannah interrupts. “How you knew it was Rey in that ship and not Ren?“ 

Poe sits back on his heel, crossing his arms. “You seem to have a lot of secrets, buddy.“

Feeling two pairs of eyes focused on him now, Finn cringes. “Well, if it was Kylo Ren, don‘t you think he would have tried to kill us before leaving? That psychopath is capable of anything.“

They both blink at him doubtfully, waiting for another explanation. Finn presses his lips together and stares back. They won‘t get any more answers from him today. 

Poe heaves a long sigh and ruffles his dark locks. “I hope you‘re right,“ he murmurs. Turning around he motions them to follow. “Let‘s move out. The Falcon‘s almost fully repaired and we don‘t have much time. As long as Ren is stuck here, we should hurry up and leave this gods forsaken place.“

The two former stormtroopers follow him without protest, the high grass brushing their tired legs. The ride across the ocean had been exhausting and the strong wind slows them down, making their journey back to the Falcon an ordeal.

Jannah falls into step with Finn. She observes him from the corner of her eyes, clearly wanting to say something. 

After ignoring her for a while, Finn sighs and gives her a suffering look. “What?”

Jannah’s eyes bore into him, head cocked ever so slightly to the right as if running calculations in her head. “Where do you think Kylo Ren is now? And why do you believe he is alive?“

Where is Kylo Ren? The million credit question. Finn purses his lips. The even more insightful question would be why hadn't Rey killed him? She’d told him about her vision, the one of her sitting on the Sith Throne with Ren beside her.

He shivers, and it’s not only from the cold wind. What if he’s turned her and they left together? No. Finn doffs that idea. They wouldn‘t have both fitted into a single TIE-fighter. He almost laughs when he pictures them crammed into that small space. No, that’s definitely not possible.

But there was something more to that vision. He could see it in her eyes. There was something that she kept from him. He pinches his nose.

“If only I knew… When we see Rey, she’ll have a lot of explaining to do.“

 _“If_ we see her,“ Jannah corrects, a sympathetic look in her eyes.

Finn shakes his head. “Of course we‘ll see her again! Rey’s strong; she’ll survive and come save us all. I‘m sure of it…“ His voice trails off and they continue in silence. After a while he adds in a much less confident voice, “I‘m sure she knows what she‘s doing. She must have had a good reason to not kill him.“

He stares into the distance where the endless fields of high grass spread to the horizon, trying to concentrate on lifting his feet to step over rocks. But the thoughts come anyway.

Maybe Kylo Ren overpowered her, forcing her to flee. Or she’d already found the wayfinder and only needed to get close enough to his ship to escape...it may have been less dangerous than continuing the fight. Anyway, she hates Kylo Ren, right? _Right_.

But the nagging feeling just won’t go away. There’s something fishy about all of this. Ever since Rey returned from Ahch-To she’s been behaving strangely. Like she’s been hiding something from him. From all of them. At first, he thought it had something to do with the Force, that she changed so much because of her training with Skywalker. 

She became less talkative, turned more and more into herself. Her smiles were rarer and often didn‘t even reach her eyes. She would bury herself in her studies, or disappear into the woods to train for hours, often not returning until night had fallen. He barely saw her. It irritated him at first but then he only felt sad. 

She was one of the first friends he made after deserting from the First Order, she was the reason he stopped running, his reason to stay and face the enemy. She knew what it meant to have no parents, the feeling of not belonging, feeling lost in the grand scheme of the universe. It hurt to watch her distance herself more and more from him and the rest of her friends.

So he was happy to discover his own, albeit slight, force-sensitivity. He thought he could finally understand her, have something to connect with her. But he never got the chance to tell her. And there was something much bigger than merely ‘Jedi stuff’ that pulled a barrier between them. 

_‘People keep telling me they know me. No one does.’_

That hurt. But more than that, it raised the terrible suspicion that she was hiding something far worse than just her worries about the Force and the war. He can‘t quite put a finger on it, but she always gets a far-away look, something akin to sadness, in her eyes, whenever someone mentions Kylo Ren or anything related to him. She also tends to evade any questions about Ahch-To or how her lightsaber was broken. Something must have happened between her and that monster. But what? 

Had she learned a devastating truth? Is she still grieving the deaths of Han and Luke?

Where is the anger, the passionate hate she holds for Kylo Ren, then? She called him a monster, after all. Disfigured him, even. But as much as Finn wants to ignore it, he can’t shake the feeling that there must be more behind the hostility the two display to everyone else whenever they meet. Some kind of history. 

A _secret_. 

What is it? Did Kylo Ren whisper lies into her mind and finally manage to get through enough to manipulate her somehow? Maybe he put that vision into her head. Trying to convince her to join him, use her power and rule the galaxy. Or to lure her into a trap and kill her in her moment of weakness. After all, she shot lightning out of her fingers, destroying an entire transporter. Did Kylo Ren inject her with that rage? Finn shudders at the thought. That man must be destroyed before he destroys everyone else.

A warm hand on his shoulder pulls him away from his dark thoughts. He looks at Poe, who studies him with warm eyes. “It‘s okay, buddy. She‘ll be alright.“

His touch is reassuring and Finn draws a deep breath, then smiles back at him, nodding. “Thanks, Poe.“

The Falcon finally comes into sight and the rest of the former stormtroopers are already awaiting them, sitting on their orbaks. Jannah steps forward to her group. 

“I’ll travel with these two on their Millennium Falcon. Gather up all the healthy orbaks and any weapons you can find. Follow us to the Resistance base on Ajan Kloss. There, we‘ll work out a plan.”

They all murmur their agreement and lead their animals towards their own transporters. Jannah turns to Poe. “Alright, let‘s go. I‘ve always wanted to have a ride in the Millennium Falcon.“

The Falcon heaves itself into the sky, and when they reach the blackness of space, everyone sighs in relief. 

  
  
  


The jungle is buzzing with activity and the murmur of people‘s voices when they land. Resistance members are either hurrying to somewhere, repairing ships, or discussing figures on big glowing screens.

Finn, Poe, Chewbacca and Jannah walk down the Falcon‘s ramp, relieved to return after what feels like an eternity. After all the chaos and confusion, they can’t wait to talk to General Organa again, listen to her calming wisdom and work out a plan. But it‘s Commander Larma D‘acy who awaits them with a solemn look.

Poe nods at her. “Commander D‘Acy, it‘s good to see you again. We have to see the General immediately.“ When she doesn‘t answer, he stops and turns around, frowning. “Commander?“

Her blue eyes begin to glisten and she swallows.

“She‘s gone. Leia is gone.“

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Finn, so confused! What will he think once he finds out what all this is about?
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed this chapter 😊  
> In the next chapter, we will see what our girl Rey is up to.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your kudos and comments! 😊 
> 
> I want to thank my wonderful beta-readers who helped me so much in this fic:  
> \- hellostarlight (https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellostarlight/pseuds/hellostarlight)  
> \- Megara09 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megara09/pseuds/Megara09)  
> \- Everren (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everren/pseuds/Everren) or @Everren327 (Twitter)  
> \- asongstress1422 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongstress1422)  
> I thank you all so much, you wonderful human beings, I couldn't have done it without you!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! 😉

By the time Rey reaches Ahch-To, she’s heaving, barely aware of where she’s going. Her vision keeps blurring and she finds Luke’s island only by trusting the Force to guide her. Hands trembling on the controls, she directs the TIE Fighter towards it. 

The air inside the cockpit is stifling, but far worse are the thoughts and memories pressing down on her, threatening to drag her under. She‘ll lose her mind if she doesn‘t get out soon. Breathing through clenched teeth, she forces the ship to the island’s green surface. With a sickening crunch it half slides, half crashes to the ground, violently shaking her in the seat.

She throws open the hatch and pushes herself up. A cool breeze whispers against her face and she takes a second to center herself before climbing out completely. Her legs buckle beneath her when she jumps to the ground. Too tired to stop her fall, pain shoots through her when her knees crash to the hard, rocky surface.

 _‘Murderer_.’

She crawls away from the ship, as if she could run from what she’s done. Ben. A heavy feeling settles in her chest. She gasps, struggling to find her breath, but only a sharp wheeze escapes her lips. 

A flood of images crashes over her. A spitting red blade and dark eyes widening. She screws her eyes shut, trying to block it out, but the images remain. The sickening smell of burned flesh, the sound of a body hitting the ground. Her stomach contracts into a knot, and she stops, coughing and gagging. Her eyes burn.

_‘Look at yourself. You wanted to prove to my mother that you were a Jedi, but you‘ve proven something else.’_

Ben talked to her in that infuriatingly calm manner, casually holding the wayfinder in his hand. The softness of his voice used to hypnotize her once, made her question everything she believed about him. How could a man who speaks with such gentleness be truly evil? Then, he had spoken to her like she was special, like she had meant something to him. Now his voice only taunted her, mocked her suffering and pain. 

And then, he’d destroyed it. She’d let him distract her, and now, it’s broken. The wayfinder she’s worked so hard to find, the artifact she traveled through the galaxy and put all her friends in danger for. He crushed it like it was nothing, looking her straight in the eyes. Something in her had snapped and the only thing left in her mind was to destroy; to cut him deep and make him _bleed_. In her trance, she had even shoved Finn away with the Force, not even caring if she hurt him in the process. She didn‘t care for anyone in that moment, all that mattered was her finally defeating Kylo Ren.

Gritting her teeth she pushes herself to her feet. Sways. Steadies. She truly is a monster. Not even her friends are safe from her. Baring her teeth, she turns to the TIE-fighter. She stares at it, her hands clenched into fists. Her shoulders rise and fall as she breathes heavily through her nose, increasing the pressure on her teeth. He wasn‘t even trying to hurt her.

He was on the defensive the whole fight, blocking and dodging every one of her vicious blows, not once going into the offense. Still, her rage ate through her, until it consumed her entirely and she was nothing but a shell of herself. She was losing. She knew it was futile to keep fighting but she didn‘t stop, couldn’t stop. She had to fight him, swing her lightsaber, hack at him. Pushing a year’s worth of frustration on him all at once with fear and anger in her strikes, pushing, pushing him away.

He wore her down until she collapsed, brought her to her knees with his powerful strikes. She was completely at his mercy. He could have killed her, there and then, and she wouldn’t even have resisted. But he didn’t move to make the final blow. No, instead, he paused and disengaged from the fight, turning away from her to look over his shoulder. He even let go of his weapon. He was unarmed. And still she...she...

The blood in her veins sizzles, and tiny blue currents begin to dance around her fingers. She unclenches her right hand, fingers forming it into a claw, and lifts it towards the ship. A crackle, then flashes zap out of her fingers. The TIE-fighter catches fire immediately.

Panting hard, she lets her arms sink and stares down at her hand, self-loathing boiling up in her like acid. She did it again. She lifts her eyes back to the ship, where the flames are greedily licking the metal. Hot tears run down her cheeks. She swipes her face angrily but the tears won’t stop. She doesn’t have the right to cry. Destruction follows her wherever she goes, no matter how hard she tries to do good, to be a good person. Did she even try? Or was it all just hypocrisy, a sad attempt at fitting in, making people like her? Was it just another one of the many lies she told herself?

No wonder her parents had hated her. No wonder they’d thrown her away like garbage. She’s dangerous. She’s not worthy of being loved, she never was. She must have tricked her friends into liking her, deceived them without even realizing it.

If she stays here, nobody will come for her. Nobody will even miss her. She presses her lips together, swallowing repeatedly to choke back sobs. Then she grabs her hair and begins to tear at it, fingers ripping at the ties that bind her hair back into buns until it falls down to her shoulders. Her parents didn’t want her. And once her friends realize what she really is, they will discard her too. 

She’s nothing.

There’s a sudden blinding flash, then a deafening explosion. A wave of heat rolls over her and she stumbles back, throwing her arms up. Debris rains down on her, and the wind blows away the ashes, carrying them to the sea. The shape of the TIE-fighter is almost unrecognizable now, its wings severed from the ball, melted into clumps.

Her body begins to shake, then sobs wrack against her chest, tearing painfully at her. It was her destiny to be alone, to live and die on Jakku, rotting in the sands, to be forgotten forever. She was never meant to leave. It’s nothing but coincidence that she ended up here, not fate. Just a catastrophe for everyone else.

The world blurs before her eyes and she sinks down to the floor, her hands blindly fumbling over the ground until her fingers brush over some pieces of driftwood. She grabs one and straightens. Then she hurls it into the flames, heaving dry sobs. If she could only erase these images, all these memories from her mind, and burn them down with this ship. Forget everything, everyone she cared for.

Her hand closes around another piece of wood. She should never have let herself be so vulnerable. She was lonely on Jakku, but at least it was a predictable life, and she could defend herself against injury. But this is worse than any wound that had been inflicted on her, more crippling than a broken leg in the middle of the desert. Her breathing becomes frantic and her arms ache but she doesn‘t stop searching for more sticks. She hurls them into the wreckage to feed the flames.

What has she done? She almost killed the only person who really knew her, who saw her deepest fears, the darkness in her, and still wanted her. Her enemy, her other half. Her chin quivers when she remembers him slumping to the ground, not uttering a single sound, his gaze unfocused and his skin ashen. It shook her to the core to see him like that. This man, always so tall and strong, slumped to the floor, completely limp. Dying. Because of her.

 _‘Murderous snake_ ,’ she had hissed at Ben once. But now it’s directed at her. She’s the murderer, becoming the one thing she had spent so much time and energy fighting. At last, she’d shown her true face. 

How could Leia ever believe in her? ‘ _Rey, never be afraid of who you are_.’ Would she have said that if she knew what she was capable of? Did she feel her son dying before her last breath? Rey lets go of the driftwood and turns away, bile rising in her throat.

Her gaze falls to her lightsaber at her hip. She closes her fingers around it and jerks it free. She’s no Jedi. She’s a failure. She’s failed the entire galaxy because she thought she was special. It’s better off without her. She wasn’t the last hope of the galaxy, she is the one thing it must be protected against.

So, she will stay on this island for the rest of her days. She will never put her friends in danger again, she will never face Palpatine. Another sob tears through her. And she will never see Ben again. He won’t look for her. Because how could he forgive her or trust her again? She’s dangerous, unpredictable. Yes, she will stay here and do what she’s best at. Surviving, counting the days, and waiting until she finally dies.

She takes one last look at the lightsaber. Maz was wrong. Her future is bleak and empty, there’s no one waiting for her. Only death. She turns around and hurls the weapon into the fire.

Except it doesn’t touch the flames. Something stops it from crashing into the wreckage. A hand emerges from the fire, holding the saber, then the rest of the body appears, draped in robes. Rey gasps.

“Master Skywalker!” she croaks in disbelief. 

And indeed, it’s Luke Skywalker who steps out of the fire, untouched by the flames, a faint blue glow framing his form.

“A Jedi’s weapon deserves more respect,” he says, a twinkle of amusement in his eyes, before his expression changes into one of concern. “What are you _doing_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rey needs a hug!
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed this chapter 😊


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your kudos and comments! 😊
> 
> I want to thank my wonderful beta-readers who helped me so much in this fic:  
> \- hellostarlight (https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellostarlight/pseuds/hellostarlight)  
> \- Megara09 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megara09/pseuds/Megara09)  
> \- Everren (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everren/pseuds/Everren) or @Everren327 (Twitter)  
> \- asongstress1422 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongstress1422)  
> I thank you all so much, you wonderful human beings, I couldn't have done it without you!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! 😉

The scar is gone.

The realization hits him like a solid wave. When Rey had healed him, she’d healed not only the stab wound but also the jagged scar across his cheek. With trembling hands, he rushes to remove his cloak, letting it fall to the ground with a wet sound, followed by his belt and his tunic. He yanks up the hem of his undershirt to look at his stomach. Flawless, pale white skin. Breathing heavily, he replaces the shirt and pulls down the fabric at his right shoulder — clear and smooth.

All his scars are gone. They have been erased from existence as if they were never there in the first place. Instead of relief, he feels hollow inside. Like some part of him, part of his past, has been eradicated without his permission. His mouth dries and the nausea rises in him again.

He stumbles the rest of the way into the wreckage, away from the still-raging storm. The crashing of waves is dulled down to a distant rumbling, sweat replacing the salt water on his face.

Even the little scars, scars he acquired in countless battles or when he hurt himself in his rage, are gone. His past, gone. _Let the past die._ He himself had said that. He believed in that. Now...he isn’t so sure anymore. He feels like a part of his identity has been stolen. Whatever that was, anyway. Who is he now? Who is he supposed to be?

He slows down, the sound of his steps echoing from the walls, breathing deeply. He tries to calm down again, to think clearly. He doesn’t know who he is. But has he ever really known?

Since he was just a child, he’s always felt uncomfortable in his skin, never feeling at ease when surrounded by people. Everyone saw him as a legacy, the son of the infamous Han Solo and Princess Leia, nephew of Luke Skywalker, grandson of Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala. Even when he was alone, he never felt like he belonged to himself. There was always this shadow in his mind, a part that whispered to him; threatening, beckoning, never telling him who he was but what he could become. 

Once he was in his teen years, he grew like weed. Arms and legs too long, body skinny and stretched, awkward looking as if it didn’t quite know how to fit all of him in and had gotten the proportions wrong. It made him angry that even his own body wouldn’t listen to him, and he lashed out. His parents couldn’t bother to find the time to deal with him, which only made him more angry. He became a problem. A problem that had to be gotten rid of by sending him to Luke.

Under Luke’s teachings, he grew stronger and excelled in every discipline. But he still didn’t fit in, felt the jealous or wary looks of his fellow students and the worried frowns of his uncle. Even here he was an outsider, and Luke, another family member, was just another person trying to forge him into something he was not. 

Still, he didn’t stop trying to fit the mold, to live up to the great legacy of the Skywalkers. Until he found out that all of it had been a lie. When he was 23 years old, he learned who his grandfather really had been: Not a hero who was killed by a Sith Lord called Darth Vader, but Darth Vader himself. His own family, who were the only people he trusted, had been lying to him for his whole life. So finally he gave in and listened to the voice.

When he joined the First Order, he discarded the name that bore so much weight, just like his _family_ discarded him, and instead chose a new one: Kylo Ren. And with it — with Snoke’s guidance — he had hoped to find where he belonged. But Snoke only nurtured the conflict, pain, and anger in him, manipulating his every thought and emotion, even his memories. Over the course of years, he molded him into a weapon, a tool trained to destroy, to torture and to kill.

And he’d served his master well. Entire villages executed by his command, even his own father dead to please his master, to finally be worth something in someone’s eyes. Snoke had trained him so well that, even after Snoke’s death, he’d followed his will and almost obliterated the entire Resistance, and with it, his mother.

His mother. He caused her nothing but pain. He left his family and turned to the Dark Side, he caused the death of hundreds of Resistance members. He ripped away her husband, the love of her life, and broke her heart again and again.

But she forgave him despite everything. She never gave up on him and, in her last moment, she reached out to him. She forgave him. Just like his father. He gulps back a sob and throws his hand to his face, his shoulders shaking violently, dragged back to the memory of his father’s final goodbye. He doesn’t deserve their forgiveness. He doesn’t deserve to be forgiven at all.

And wasn’t he punished the moment they forgave him? The biggest scars had been inflicted by people he loved. By people who loved him once. Chewbacca and Rey. Shot and cut. He deserved that.

_‘And they have forgiven you.’_

Ben’s head jerks up, his hands falling from his face, when he hears an unfamiliar voice. Not quite in his head, but also not really in his ears.

_‘My son forgave me, and I have done far worse.’_

He whips around, eyes jumping over the debris. The voice sounds so young. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a tall figure appear, and he jerks back, grabbing his lightsaber.

A man, younger than Ben himself, stands a few feet away. His posture is relaxed and his hair frames his face in dark blond waves, not unlike Ben’s own. A thin scar runs down next to his eye, and he looks at him with sympathy. 

Ben frowns. He does not recognise this man, but something about him is familiar. He narrows his eyes, looking the man over, wary.

“Who are you?” Despite trying to sound harsh, his voice is fragile, as if it would break any moment. His grip on the lightsaber tightens.

The man looks at him for a long time, a somber expression on his young face. “You’re the one who tried to talk to me all these years, Ben.” His voice is full of sadness and regret. 

Ben shakes his head, deepening his frown. “I don’t understand...”

“I see so much of your mother in you,” he says with fondness, mixed with something like regret. “You have your grandmother’s eyes, but it seems like, unfortunately, you got my hair. I remember how trialsome it could be.”

It takes some time for Ben to process his words, struck speechless by the faint blue glow around the figure. Ben’s eyes track over the man’s features, searching for more clues and finding similar hair to his own, eyes blue like Luke’s.

 _“Grandfather?”_ he stammers, gaping at him. A smile appears on the man’s lips, and he inclines his head in a way of greeting. “Why...” Anger boils deep inside him, and he clenches his fists. _“Why?”_

Anakin’s smile fades, and his shoulders slump visibly. Seeing his grandfather look so defeated makes him only angrier.

“Why have you never answered me?” Ben growls, his voice deep and menacing. “I asked for your help _all those years,_ and you never said anything, didn’t even give me a _sign!”_

“Ben, you—”

“All these years, I’ve been torn between the Dark and the Light, always struggling. I needed your guidance. Your help. But what did I get? _Nothing!”_

His head is reeling with all the suppressed memories crashing back again. ‘ _Forgive me, I feel it again. The call to the Light.’_ He needed answers, but silence was the only response. Even after killing his father, after being defeated by Rey, when he needed his grandfather the most, he didn’t answer. ‘ _I thought once he was gone, it would have all been better. So why does it hurt more now, Grandfather? Why is the light still calling to me?’_

“You are just like the rest of my family,” Ben spits, his face contorting almost painfully, and he does very little to mask the rage in his eyes. “Cowards, all of you! Like Luke, like my parents, you abandoned me!” There is something behind that shout, a deep and old pain.

“I couldn’t reach you,” Anakin says, his voice full of regret. “You didn’t try to talk to _me_ , Ben. You tried to talk to _Darth Vader_ , an entity that no longer existed because I chose another path...” He averts his eyes before he continues, “Your mother, she...she has never forgiven me for what I did. I don’t blame her.” His voice has become quiet. “She never wanted anything to do with me once I became one with the Force. I wasn’t able to talk to her, no matter what I tried.”

Ben turns his back to the ghost and runs a hand over his face. He doesn’t want to think about his mother now.

“This was different. I wanted to talk to you. Maybe if you tried _harder_ —” He stops himself. If he tried harder...what would he have done, then? Would he have chosen a different path, too? He hears his grandfather’s footsteps approaching him. He exhales and forces his hands to open and relax before he slowly turns back to him. Anakin is standing much nearer to him now, and it’s strange to realize the man he had looked up to most of his life, he must look down on to meet his eyes. There’s warmth in those blue eyes. Like Luke’s eyes on a salt encrusted battlefield. A look of compassion that is so often mirrored in Rey’s eyes. 

Ben averts his gaze and presses his lips firmly together. He almost flinches away when a hand touches his shoulder. He looks up to see Anakin standing next to him.

“Even if I somehow had managed to break through to you, you wouldn’t have listened,” he murmurs. “You know it’s true. Your father said all that I would have told you and more. You refused to listen to him then, and you wouldn’t have been ready to hear my advice either. You would have rejected it and pushed yourself just that much farther into the dark.”

Ben knows he’s right, so he can only nod, his mouth too dry to speak, thinking of the dread that had overtaken his mind as his father fell.

“It was heartbreaking to see you like that. But I never gave up hope for you, Grandson.” Ben’s eyes flutter and he watches him with a frown, unable to decide whether he believes him or not. “Neither has the rest of your family.”

“How can you say that?” Ben croaks, looking for the lie in his face but finding only truth shining through. 

“Your family has never abandoned you, Ben. It’s true, your parents made a lot of mistakes, but they _loved_ you. They sent you away not because they wanted to get rid of you, but because they were worried about you and felt that they wouldn’t be able to help you. They were scared. They sent you to Luke because they trusted him.”

“Wrongly,” he barked through gritted teeth. “Skywalker gave up on me too,” he says, his voice dripping with bitterness. “When I needed him most, he tried to kill me.”

Anakin closes his eyes and shakes his head, sighing. “Your uncle...my son shouldn’t have made that mistake. He shouldn’t even have _thought_ it.” He looks back at him, tired. “But it happened. He regretted the moment he drew his saber. And he suffered for it. Luke didn’t hide because he was a coward. He didn’t hide because he completely lost hope in you. He was ashamed. He was too ashamed to face you because he did that to you.” He squeezes Ben’s shoulder, his eyes softening. “But he didn’t give up on you, in the end. He sacrificed his life to help you. Your uncle loves you, Ben.”

Ben frowns. “You’ve spoken to him?”

His eyebrows jump up, and the corners of his mouth twitch. “Often.” Ben is surprised to hear him chuckle, a sound too youthful and not at all like he imagined his grandfather. “Since the battle of Crait, that is. It was impossible to contact him for many years after you disappeared. He removed himself from the Force as a type of misguided punishment.”

Ben clears his throat. “Rey told me that.”

Anakin searches his grandson’s face closely. Then his eyes twinkle and his mouth twitches. 

“ _What?”_ Ben demands. Anakin’s smile widens into a grin as Ben’s frown deepens. “What is it?”

Anakin’s reply is to shake his head and lower it, locks falling over his forehead as he forces himself to sober. He clears his throat and looks back to his grandson, his expression carefully serious. Ben narrows his eyes at him. There’s still that twinkle in his eyes.

“Your Rey is a strong woman. Clever, capable, compassionate,” he says, and Ben is pretty sure he is fighting a smile as he continues, “ _beautiful_.”

He feels heat rising in his cheeks and shakes his head. “What are you going on about?”

Anakin claps him on the shoulder. “You have chosen well, Grandson.”

Ben turns his head to the side to avert his gaze, pressing his lips together. “It’s not like that,” he murmurs.

Anakin raises an eyebrow. “Oh?”

Ben huffs and glares at him, his cheeks burning. “I offered her my hand, and she rejected me...”

“So you _are_ in love with her!” he exclaims triumphantly.

Ben jerks back, staring at him, flabbergasted. “You’ve gone crazy...” He shakes his head in disbelief and swats his hand away from his shoulder, but Anakin is unperturbed, beaming at him.

“I’m sorry, Grandson, but can’t I be at least a little happy for you?”

Ben scowls. “There’s nothing to be happy about.” He walks a few steps, his body tense. He grits his teeth and runs a hand through his hair. “There’s nothing. You’re delusional. And besides, she wouldn’t feel the same.” He gives a bitter laugh. “How could she?”

“Well, look at you,” Anakin says and gestures to all of him, “you’re quite the looker, Ben. You have good genes after all; my great-grandchildren will be lovely.”

Ben whirls around and shoots him a glare. “Be serious, Grandfather.”

Anakin holds his hands up and inclines his head. “You’re right. What I want to say is this: it’s obvious that the girl is in love with you.”

Ben freezes and gapes at him, and his heart stops for a moment. Then his scowl returns in full force. “I told you to be serious about this—”

“I am!” Anakin palms his face, sighing deeply. “We Skywalkers are all so _stupid_ when it comes to love; I owe your grandmother such an appology...” he mutters and rubs his forehead. He lets go of his head and looks back to him, his face tired. “Rey is in love with you. I’m surprised that you didn’t see that. No, wait—” he holds up a hand to hush any protest. “—I’m actually _not_ surprised. You can’t even admit your feelings to yourself! I bet _she_ is in denial too! What is it with you children?”

Ben can only stare at him, lost for words. Anakin is pacing and muttering to himself now, something about kids these days and being in denial. It’s strange to see him like this, looking so young but sounding like an old man. He follows him with his eyes and sighs. He can watch him pacing up and down for only so long before he has enough.

“Alright, _fine!”_ he snaps, “I’m in love with her!” His words still echo from the walls and Ben cringes at hearing them reverberated back at him. Anakin stops in his tracks and stares at him.“But she can’t love me back,” he adds with a quieter voice and lowers his head, his shoulders slumping. “I’m not good enough for her.”

“Don’t you think that’s for _Rey_ to decide?” Ben blinks and stares at him, and Anakin shrugs. “If she didn’t love you, why would she have healed you?”

“She is very compassionate,” Ben says stubbornly.

Anakin rolls his eyes. “I wouldn’t exactly call the looks she has given you all this time _compassionate…_ ”

Ben suddenly wishes for the ground to open and swallow him. “How long have you been watching us?” he groans, glaring at him with a crimson face.

“...although one wise man once defined compassion as unconditional love...” Anakin muses with a far-away look in his eyes.

“Grandfather...” Ben growls, but Anakin hushes him with a raised hand.

“Wait—” His head whips this way and that. “—there’s someone else who wants to talk to you. I must leave,” he says hastily and then fixes him with a stern look. “Once, I wanted to save the love of my life. Go, Ben. Find Rey and finish what I started.”

And then he vanishes, leaving Ben more confused than ever. A warm, familiar presence makes itself felt, growing stronger and brighter as it approaches him. His eyes jump around, searching the corners, eager and terrified for who he might find. _There_. Dread immobilizes him.

“My boy.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anakin ships it 😁
> 
> If you enjoyed this chapter, please give kudos and leave comments! 💜💜💜


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your kudos and comments! 😊
> 
> I want to thank my wonderful beta-readers who helped me so much in this fic:  
>  \- hellostarlight (https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellostarlight/pseuds/hellostarlight)  
>  \- Megara09 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megara09/pseuds/Megara09)  
>  \- Everren (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everren/pseuds/Everren) or @Everren327 (Twitter)  
>  \- asongstress1422 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongstress1422)  
>  I thank you all so much, you wonderful human beings, I couldn't have done it without you!
> 
> Have fun with this chapter! 😉

Luke Skywalker’s concerned eyes study his one-time pupil. “What’s wrong, Rey?”

“I— I don’t know...” Rey chokes, her chin trembling. Luke watches on as she tries to breathe in deeply, not wanting to cry in front of him. Turning her back to him, she hides a sob with a cough and wipes her eyes. “I, uh— I can’t do this anymore.”

Nodding understandingly, he eases himself onto one of the large rocks that litter the island and taps the space beside him. More tired than she remembers ever being, as if someone had reached in and ripped a bit of her life force out of her, she lets herself fall heavily onto the offered seat. 

“Why did you return here, Rey?” Luke asks, his eyes full of warmth. 

Rey averts her gaze and looks at the burning ship instead, jaw clenched. Where was this understanding and compassion when she needed it most? When she was a lost little nobody given an important mission and he just ignored her, tossed it all away like it was garbage. 

“I...I almost ki—” She chokes on her words, terrified that speaking them will make them even more true. “Ben...”

“You once left Ahch-To to go to Ben, now you’ve returned to run from him?”

Rey blinks, caught off guard by the  _ amusement _ in the old man’s eyes. Hurt, she returns her glare to the crackling flames, the fumes from the burning hypermatter thick in the air. “He’s the one who should be running from me.”

Luke sighs. “Rey...”

“I almost  _ killed _ him, Master!” she says as her head whips back to him, tears welling up in her eyes. “I was so blinded by my anger and I stabbed him! I wanted to stab him — to hurt and kill him. When did I become such a monster?”

“Anger is a double-edged sword. Sometimes it gives us the strength to continue fighting. Other times it makes us act without thought, and that can be dangerous. It’s up to us how to wield it. You chose wrong this time. That doesn’t make you a monster, Rey, that makes you human.”

“You don’t understand!” 

Luke raises a brow. “Don’t I?”

Comprehension crashes down on her, and her words get stuck in her throat. This is what Luke must have felt all those years ago; the kind of shame and guilt that makes you wish you’d never been born. He felt like a monster and, like her, decided the best way to atone was to hide himself away to punish himself for the mistake.

Her mouth opens and closes, then she lowers her head. A mistake, one moment that changed everything and brought to life that she could never be the one to destroy Ben, no matter how much he hurt her. Dropping to her knees beside him had been second nature, her hand reaching, giving, healing without instruction from her. She couldn’t let him die like that. She would have —

Her heart rate increases as the realization hits her. “Once I struck him down, I gave him some of my life. In that moment, I would have given him all of it, died if I had to.”

Luke nods, laying a comforting hand on her knee. “Your compassion saved him.”

“Oh, I think that was more than  _ compassion _ , Luke.”

Rey jumps to her feet, spinning to face the direction of the voice in a defensive crouch, when another force-ghost materializes behind them. He looks much younger than Luke, closer in age to Rey herself, and rather handsome. Something about him seems oddly familiar. 

He grins at her, just sitting there with his legs casually crossed.

“Who are you?” she demands.

The grin turns into a smirk as he turns to Luke, shaking his head.“Young people...” he bemoans. “Always asking questions with no greetings at all.”

Luke sighs, head going into hand as if deeply embarrassed. “Father...”

Rey gawks at him. Now she can see it. He has the same blue eyes as Luke, and his dark blond hair falls in waves around his face like Ben’s. “You’re  _ Anakin Skywalker _ ?”

“The one and only.” He spreads his arms and inclines his head. “And you are Rey from Jakku. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

She should feel excited to be in the presence of two Skywalkers because of the legends. But a knot of dread forms in her stomach because they are _Ben’s family._

“Ha! Did you notice, my son?” Anakin exclaims triumphantly, tapping the older man on the chest. “It rhymed!”

“Yes, yes, Father...well done,” Luke sighs and throws a side-look at Rey.

“I always told you, I should have become a poet!”

Rey’s eyes jump back and forth between the two, not understanding how they can be father and son. And not only because of their age differences. Luke seems much more...grounded than Anakin.

“Well, that might have saved us a lot of trouble,” Luke grumbles, rubbing his forehead.

Or maybe  _ grumpier _ is the better word. 

Rey shifts awkwardly and both Skywalkers focus their attention back to her. She lowers her eyes.

“I don’t know what to say...” she begins and stops herself. She takes a deep breath. “I don’t know what came over me, but Ben and I were fighting, and I was so frustrated. I couldn’t think, I was so  _ angry _ — but that doesn’t excuse anything. I failed in every way. I’m not a Jedi.”

“I don’t think that not being a Jedi is what causes you so much pain,” Anakin says meaningfully, and Luke wheezes out a pained breath. Anakin turns to him. “ _ What, _ it’s true.”

Luke turns to Rey, his expression serious. “You surely remember what I said about the Jedi. That they have to end. What the Jedi have preached for millennia eventually led to their downfall.” Rey opens her mouth to protest but he forestalls her with a raised hand. “I’m not saying that  _ everything _ the Jedi stood for was complete nonsense, but their teaching was too rigid.”

“They rejected every emotion and were forbidden to form any attachments to prevent the fall to the Dark Side,” Anakin continued, kicking his dangling legs like a child, hands in his lap as he stares off into the distance. “The Jedi believed that this was the only way to maintain peace in the galaxy, that any emotion or attachment was a threat to that peace.” His expression grows solemn as his stare turns to the fire. “Instead, it finally led to the fall of the Jedi Order.”

Rey had learned from Luke that Anakin had been a very emotional person and fell deeply in love with Padmé Amidala. His inability to deal with strong emotions and the fear of losing his wife had finally pushed him to join the Dark Side.

“I heard that the Jedi refused to train you at first because you were already too old,” Rey says and frowns. “But Luke was way older than you when he first began his training.” She turns to Luke. “And still you became one of the most powerful Jedi. Even though you were tempted by the Dark Side, you never fell.”

“The Jedi thought that by recruiting young children, they would not form attachments and would instead lead a life without passion or selfishness. But some people will simply never adapt to that life no matter how young they start,” Luke says and gestures to Anakin, who nods. “They are taught to control or even suppress not just their negative emotions but  _ all _ their emotions. And because they never learn how to  _ deal _ with them, they can become a great danger to themselves and others. Powerful people who never learned to handle their emotions, who feel imprisoned by the rigid rules of the Jedi Order, will eventually rebel and look for alternative belonging.”

“And all they can find is the Sith, who are also unable to offer them the freedom they seek. They only run into a different kind of cage without even realizing it,” Anakin continues, his eyes darkening. “The way the Masters reacted to my rebellious behavior didn’t help — not that I’m trying to excuse any of my actions. There’s not a day when I don’t regret the atrocities I've committed.”

There’s a sadness in his eyes, a look full of regret and hurt. Rey has seen it in Ben’s eyes. He stares into the fire for a long moment before he blinks and turns back to her. 

“I was forced to hide my relationship, my  _ marriage _ , with Padmé. For years, I lived a double-life, a  _ lie,  _ and forced her to live one with me. I could ask for no help or seek any advice as my fear of losing her grew every day.”

“Most of the Jedi were detached from the real world,” Luke interjects. “They lost touch with how ordinary people function, how emotions and attachments are essential to survive and that most draw strength from them. The Jedi were so afraid of the potential destructive nature of emotions that they lost sight of their good aspects. The  _ balance _ they always sought was no real balance at all.”

“Hadn’t anyone tried to criticize their ways?” asks Rey and throws her former master a sheepish look. “Besides Luke?”

Anakin vaults up from the rock, folding his hands behind his back like a general. “Qui-Gon Jinn didn’t follow the Jedi Order completely. He had even rejected a seat on the Jedi Council to follow his own path. He cared about individuals, even if it conflicted with the wishes of the High Council,” he muses, taking a few steps towards the flames before turning back, a fond expression in his eyes. “He saved me from slavery as a child. Not because of the Order, but because he truly cared about people.”

“Just like you, Rey,” Luke says. He contemplates her for a moment, then nods. “Maybe you were never meant to become a Jedi. Maybe you are destined to become something else. Something different, something  _ new _ .” A smile steals its way to his lips. “Remember lesson three?”

She sighs and rolls her eyes. “Yes.”

They had been standing on the ledge, the place where she’d sat for her very first lesson. They’d been talking about Ben and what had happened on the night of his fall, when she’d seen ships approaching the island. Ships of the tribe from a neighboring island. Luke had fooled her into thinking they would raid and plunder the Caretakers’ village, and she’d wanted to stop them, of course, had bid Luke to help her. But he’d refused. 

‘ _ Do you know what a true Jedi would do right now? _ ’ he’d asked,  _ ‘Nothing _ .’ Ignoring her protest, he’d added, ’ _ That burn inside you, that anger thinking what the raiders are going to do? The books in the Jedi library say ignore that. Only act when you can maintain balance. Even if people get hurt _ .’

She had been furious and, ignoring his lesson, raced across the island to stop the attack. Only to find out she’d interrupted a party. 

“What lesson?” Anakin approaches, eager to hear the story, and Luke chuckles, standing also.

“I was trying to teach Rey that the old teachings of the Jedi are not what the galaxy needs anymore. That her breaking the rules is what might save the Resistance.” He puts a hand on her shoulder. It doesn’t feel like a real touch; it’s not warm, and it tingles a bit. “And you taught me a lesson in return. You pointed out to me that, even though their teachings are outdated, the myth of the Jedi and the legend of Luke Skywalker are what the galaxy needs, too. I’m grateful for that. You helped me understand that, despite my mistakes, I could still do some good.”

Rey smiles hesitantly and lowers her head, undeserving of such praise. 

Anakin nods heartily in agreement. “That’s all well and good, my son, but what’s so amusing about that?”

Luke laughs and opens his mouth to answer, but she shoots him a warning look, cheeks reddening. “I’m just saying that I’ve never seen someone run so  _ fast, _ ” Luke quips, and Rey wants the ground to open up and swallow her. He leans over to Anakin. “I’ll tell you later, Father,” he whispers.

“I heard that,” Rey snaps as she begins to pace. “I may care about people, but that doesn’t make me a good person.” She stops and looks at the two Jedi, the corners of her mouth turned down. She stretches out her hands. “I can shoot lightning out of my fingers. That’s a  _ Sith _ ability.”

“Force lightning was an ability that was  _ forbidden _ to use by the Jedi Order, and for good reason,” Luke says. “It’s dangerous and hard to control. But Jedi are able to use it, too. It’s not exclusive to Sith or other Dark Side wielders.”

Rey exhales shakily, feeling relieved and more confused at the same time. She massages her temples. “How am I supposed to differentiate between good and evil, then? How do I decide what’s the right way to act?”

Both Jedi watch her calmly, their eyes sympathetic. They probably understand her turmoil; they must have gone through it themselves when they were young, after all. But how can they keep their calm when Palpatine has returned, the Sith Lord that both of them helped to destroy? The Sith Lord who is now tormenting her and Ben and threatening to destroy the galaxy once and for all. Have they forgotten how much is at stake, or do they simply not care anymore? Is it like that when you’re dead? Do you simply stop caring?

The tightness in her chest returns, and she clenches her fists. The fire behind her crackles, then glass breaks with a loud crack. Her eyes jump between Luke and Anakin, waiting in vain for an answer.

“I need your help! Please! Don’t leave me alone with this, I—” She swallows and shakes her head, pushing down the panic and fear that threatens to drown her. “I know that if I don’t face Palpatine, the galaxy will be lost… But I can’t do this alone.”

“You won’t be alone, Rey.” Anakin approaches her like one would a skittish gallaze. “I wish I could tell you that everything will end well, but that would be a lie. I  _ don’t _ know. What I can promise you, though, is that you won’t be alone.” He stops a scant step in front of her. “You never were.”

Rey looks up at him, sniffling and blinking away tears. She thinks of Ben, how they sat in her hut and comforted each other.  _ You’re not alone _ . So much time has passed since then, so many things have changed. They found comfort in each other’s presence then, but now she’s left him behind on Kef Bir. Alone. 

Anakin touches her upper arm. “You’re worried about Ben, aren’t you?” he murmurs, and she looks up at him. He has a knowing look in his eyes, and her cheeks begin to burn even as hope blooms in her chest.

“Do you know how he is?” she whispers, staring at him with big pleading eyes. “Can you tell me?”

“Use your Force-bond and search for him, then you can be sure,” he suggests gently. 

“No.” She shakes her head, working her jaw. “I’ve done enough harm to him, and I won’t hurt him again.”

Anakin opens his mouth but stops at Rey’s palpable pain. He nods instead and lets go of her, running a hand through his hair. “I understand. Ben is still on Kef Bir. He’s fi— alive. He’s talking to someone who has missed him very much.” 

She expels a long breath, nodding to herself. “That’s...good.” She wipes her eyes and clears her throat. “Do you know anything...anything about…” She fumbles for the right words. Has Ben forgiven her? Does he care for her, too? ”...about his plans?”

A glimmer of amusement crosses his features, but he taps the side of his nose twice. “I think it's best if you ask him yourself.” He winks at her. “Trust me.”

She nods and averts her head, sniffing. A harrumph makes them both look to Luke. 

He’s still standing off by the stone, staring at them. He cocks his head. “Enough with all the secrecy. Father, let’s stop bothering the poor girl. I think she has seen enough of the Skywalkers for a while.” Anakin chuckles in his youthful way, nodding his agreement as Luke turns to her. “It’s time for you to get some sleep.”

She stares at him, confusion written all over her face. “But what will—”

“If you face Palpatine in this state, you won’t be able to do much against him,” he interrupts her, firmly but gently. “Your body needs rest, Rey. And your current emotional state is not the best to resist his taunts and temptations.” He raises his eyebrows and looks at her meaningfully. “I speak from experience.”

Rey huffs, but exhaustion is already beginning to weigh her down. Her shoulders and legs feel so heavy. It’s a wonder that any energy is left at all after fighting Ben and healing him. 

Anakin pats her on the shoulder as he moves past. “My son is right. You should take all the sleep you can get!” He nods to her, then smirks at his son. “Well, Luke, we have some catching up to do, don’t we?”

  
  
  


Rey lets herself slump to the bed in one of the huts. The caretakers must have prepared it before she arrived. Almost as if they’d expected her or something. She’s glad that since she crashed their party, they are much less hostile towards her.

Trying not to think about what the two Jedi might be talking about, she takes off her boots. Her eyes begin to flutter, then she yawns, blindly reaching for her lightsaber and tugging it under the pillow. As soon as her head hits the pillow, she’s asleep.

_ The desert is vast, the sand soft and hot under her naked feet. The sun is burning down on her. A breeze blows through her hair as she continues her walk through the sands. The sky shines above her, a brilliant azure blue with not a single speck of white anywhere. _

_ The breeze turns colder, wind whipping as clouds begin to form on the horizon. Rey narrows her eyes against the gale, trying to peer into the distance. Sand turns to snow between one step and the next. A figure materializes from the darkening background, moving in her direction, seeming to drag the storm with him. _

_ Ice pierces her lungs as she gasps, recognizing him. It’s his way of walking that gives him away, the full body strut that captures a room. He’s close enough now that she can see his hair whip in the wind. His eyes, fixed and warm, never leave hers as he strides through the snow, stopping a step away. _

_ He’s only wearing an undershirt and dark pants, hands ungloved. They stare at each other. The storm mixes with the blue sky above them, forming a swirl of blue and gray. _

_ “Ben,” she breathes and steps towards him, craning her neck to look into his eyes. _

_ “Rey.” He looks at her like springtime, like the promise of growing things and hope.  _

_ The storm screams above them, raging all the faster, tearing at their hair and clothes, threatening to rip them apart. Rey reaches up and touches Ben’s cheek with her fingertips. _

_ The world around them turns a blinding white. With no sense of direction, they reach for each other and fall into an embrace. He’s there and solid. Rey’s face presses into his chest as his nose burrows into the crook of her neck, their arms wrapped tightly around each other. When the roaring of the storm dies down, they open their eyes and look around. _

_ Gone is the desert and the snow. Gone is the storm, the smoldering heat and freezing cold. The sky above them is calm and blue, and tiny, white puffed clouds float lazily by. They are standing in a meadow, the grass soft and cool under their feet. They turn their heads in unison and look back at each other. _

_ She’s struck by his beauty, the way the breeze plays with his silky raven hair, his eyes shining a deep brown. She notices just now that the middle of his irises is surrounded by a lighter, almost creamy color and framed by a dark circle. Their faces draw closer to each other. His lips part, his warm breath tickles her face, as she goes up on tip toe, and then— _

A hammering sound wakes her rudely. She bolts up from her cot, her heart pounding wildly. More pounding against her door sounds a moment later. “Rey!” Luke’s voice booms from outside.

Rey breathes deeply, trying to find her bearings, and rubs her face, groaning. “Yes?” she growls and pushes the blanket away from her, wincing. Her entire body is sore.

“Get dressed and meet me outside; I have something to show you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course, Luke had to ruin the moment, even in their dreams :P
> 
> If you enjoyed this chapter, please give me a kudo or write a comment :3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your feedback! 😊
> 
> I want to thank my wonderful beta-readers who helped me so much in this fic:  
> \- hellostarlight (https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellostarlight/pseuds/hellostarlight)  
> \- Megara09 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megara09/pseuds/Megara09)  
> \- Everren (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everren/pseuds/Everren) or @Everren327 (Twitter)  
> \- asongstress1422 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongstress1422)
> 
> I thank you all so much, you wonderful human beings, I couldn't have done it without you!
> 
> Have fun with this chapter! 😉

“She’s g-gone?” Poe stammers, staring at Commander D’Acy with pleading eyes, begging her to retract her words, to tell him that he’d misheard. “How?”

Chewbacca wails and sinks to his knees, pounding the soil with his fist in grief and anger. He has lost his last friend. Han, Luke, and now Leia — they’re all gone now, and he is alone with his memories. Feeling lost, he rises, stumbling back to the Falcon. The group watches on helplessly as the Wookie emits a low moan, struggling to keep their composure for as long as possible, until the ramp rises with a hiss and seals off the entrance behind him. 

Finn tears his gaze away from the ship and swallows hard then looks back to the Commander. “How did it happen?” he asks quietly.

D’Acy’s face is stricken, and she lowers her head. “After she gave one last motivational speech, she left for her quarters… She seemed exhausted, but I never suspected—” Her voice breaks and she stops, unable to repeat the words. Hearing them again would only make it more real than they could bear at the moment.

“Leia was trying to reach her son through the Force.” 

Everyone turns toward the voice to look at Maz, who approaches them with small steps. She looks back at them through her goggles, her gaze sympathetic and calm as always. 

Finn steps forward. “She tried to reach _Kylo Ren_? Did that monster kill her, too?”

Maz eyes him for a moment but before she can say anything, Poe squeezes his shoulder and shakes his head. “This isn’t the time, buddy.”

Finn presses his lips together and clenches his fists, but when he sees his face, he sighs and nods. There are dark circles under Poe’s eyes. He has never seen him like that. Not even after the battle of Crait, where most of the Resistance was obliterated. The corners of his mouth are turned downwards, and his skin looks gray. His usual optimism, the strength he always radiated, is gone. 

“You’re right,” he mumbles, dragging his eyes back to Maz, who has been watching them intently. 

“I understand your feelings about Ben Solo, Finn,” she sighs, righting her goggles, “but he did not kill her. Leia was the one who reached out to him, knowing it would take everything she had left.”

Finn wants to say how much that bastard doesn’t deserve any forgiveness or love, that all hope for him is in vain. Does he know what sacrifice the General made for him? Does he know how lucky he is to have loving parents, or any parents at all? 

When he realizes that Maz is still watching him with her all-knowing eyes, he looks away and turns to Poe instead. He places a hand on his back and motions for them to move. “Come on, let’s—”

“No,” Poe says, eyes downcast. “I need to think, and be alone, for a while.”

“That’s okay,” he says hastily, ignoring the pang in his chest at being unable to help his friend. “Talk later, then?”

Poe nods and brushes past him, heading in the direction of his quarters. Finn follows him with his eyes until he disappears in the crowd. Maz gives them all one last look before she and D’Acy excuse themselves and leave, too. Finn heaves a long sigh and lowers his head. If Poe has lost all hope, how are they supposed to face the First Order?

“Hey…” Jannah says, hand on his shoulder. “He’s going to be alright, I’m sure of that.”

“Thanks.” He’s grateful to have found another friend in her. He rubs his face and glances at what is left of the Resistance members who are still doing their jobs or taking a break. The sky is darkening and the jungle around them comes alive with different sounds of whistles, cries, and roars like it always does at this hour. As if nothing had changed, as if Leia were still alive. They don’t know of the death of their general yet. “How will the Resistance continue without her?”

“When you refused to kill those villagers, you didn’t need any general to inspire you, did you?” she says after a while and fixes him with her eyes. “When you told me that you were a stormtrooper once, too, I didn’t need anyone else to get me to join you and want to make an actual difference in this war.” She grabs him by the shoulders. “We can do this, Finn, and we _will_. With our stories, we could even inspire others like us to do the same.”

Finn’s face lights up at the idea. “Do you think it could work? Some kind of stormtrooper rebellion?”

Night has fallen when they find Poe. He’s sitting in Leia’s quarters, next to her cot, his head in his hands. They stop in the entrance to the room and stare at the body hidden under white sheets. It’s surreal to know that she’s lying there instead of standing in front of screens, making plans or giving orders. Finn doesn’t know if he will ever get used to this new reality.

His gaze falls back to Poe, who is looking at them through puffy eyes. He gets the overwhelming urge to go to him and hug him, to comfort him somehow. But what could he say? He can’t even begin to imagine how it must be for him. To lose her after all these years of working with her. To now have this heavy burden of leadership on his shoulders.

But he won’t be alone in this. They will keep on fighting for what’s right. If only to honor Leia’s legacy. So he straightens and fixes Poe with a look.

“Poe, we have an idea.”

  
  
  


Poe was named acting general as Leia’s successor and, with that, now faces an immense responsibility and a mountain of work. On top of that, the fate of the galaxy is on the line. So hearing Finn and Jannah’s idea about recruiting former stormtroopers, taking advantage of the First Order’s weaknesses to turn the tides, had lifted his mood visibly. His whole posture had changed, and he’d looked closer to the general he is supposed to be.

Finn is relieved to see him back to his old self, the side of him that always wants to act.

After calling Rose to join them, they sit down in front of a screen in an unoccupied room.

“Before we begin, I have some bad news,” Rose says, looking at everyone. 

Poe rubs his forehead and expels a long breath. “We’re used to bad news by now, aren’t we?” He sighs again and gives her a wry smile. “Please, Commander Tico.”

She nods and takes a deep breath, then speaks with a solemn but firm voice, “Kijimi was destroyed by a blast from a Star Destroyer.”

The silence that follows is heavy. Everyone holds their breaths, blinking, their mouths open.

“What?” Finn breathes.

“Kijimi? A Star Destroyer?” Poe’s voice is strained and his eyes reveal disbelief and pain. He must be thinking about Zorii. “How is that even possible?”

“It was one of the new Sith fleet. Palpatine apparently sent the ship from Exegol—”

“Does that mean…”

“Yes.” Her expression darkens. “It means that every single ship of his fleet has planet-killing weapons.”

The room falls silent again. Disbelief and horror are written all over their faces. Rose presses her lips together and rubs her arm. Then she turns to Poe. “Leia has made you acting general. What now?”

He closes his eyes and pinches his nose. “After this meeting,” he mumbles, “I’m going to break the news of Leia’s death to the rest of the Resistance.”

“And we will be with you,” Finn promises and touches his arm. “You won’t be alone, _General_.”

Poe smiles and nods at him, then continues. “Finn and Jannah came up with an idea that is both crazy and genius.”

Rose sits up and lifts her eyebrows, a tiny smirk forming on her lips as she leans forward. “Well, we’ll take everything we can get at this point. So what’s the plan?” She throws Finn a look. “It’s not _escaping_ , is it?”

Finn rolls his eyes. “You won’t ever let go of that, will you?”

Rose snickers. “No.”

He glares at her good-naturedly before he sobers and reveals their plan. With Rose’s help, he, Jannah, and her company will infiltrate one of the Star Destroyers and try to convert as many stormtroopers as possible and, if they are even more lucky, some of the higher ranking people of the First Order.

After all, they know that, despite strict surveillance and the conditioning of the troops, rumors still circulate. The stormtroopers know about Finn and the others and that there’s internal fighting between the commanders, officers and generals of the First Order. If everything goes smoothly, it will end in a rebellion and the takeover of the entire ship.

Rose presses a button and the screen comes to life. Her face is bathed in blue light as she navigates through some options. She zooms into a star map and points at a red-glowing triangle. “The Star Destroyer that blasted Kijimi is still in the Bryx sector.” She leans back and smiles at Finn and Jannah. “I like your idea. It’s insane but brilliant. If we succeed, it could turn the tides. We would have a superweapon of our own.”

“...against an entire fleet. With the same super weapons,” Poe interjects, but Rose shrugs.

“Well, otherwise we’ll have nothing. If we don’t try it, we’ve already lost.”

“Poe, you were so excited by our idea!” Finn complains.

Poe sighs. “I know...but with so much pressure, I can’t help the doubts coming up.” He runs a hand through his hair, pulling lightly to release the headache building, and stares at the ceiling. “I wonder how Leia managed to stay strong all these years despite everything.”

“I get that, Poe. We all do. But we are not the only ones with doubts.” He grins, adding, “The First Order is more unstable than ever.”

“You’re right. If even General Hux could change his mind about the First Order, no matter what his motives were, I think that our chances of converting others are quite high.” Poe leans back in his chair and folds his hands. “We also know that the Supreme Leader is not very popular, nor really respected within the higher ranks of the First Order. They’ve only tolerated him so far because they fear him.”

Finn nods and leans forward. “We know from Hux that General Pryde plans a coup and to take over as the new Supreme Leader. We don’t have any influence in destabilizing the top of the First Order, but we can sure as hell attack their foundation. And with that,” he dusts his hands together, emitting rumbling explosion sounds, “it all comes down.”

“Our work won’t stop being important after the war,” Jannah adds, straightening her back. “Even if we win, we have to prevent any new kind of organization arising from the First Order’s ashes. We can’t let history repeat itself. So, we need to educate and reintegrate the people of the First Order into society.”

“That’s right,” Finn choruses, nodding along with her, “they are all _people_. They were once like us, and they deserve a second chance.”

Poe rubs his face, blinking tiredly. “ _If_ we win the war, we’ll have plenty of time to hammer out the details.” He sits up and places his hands on his knees, glancing at the screen. The red triangle hasn’t moved from its location. “Our priority right now is to infiltrate that Star Destroyer and find a way to Exegol. Though without Rey sending us the coordinates, it will be nearly impossible.”

“About that,” Rose chimes in, “where _is_ she? I haven’t seen her around.”

“We don’t know… On Kef Bir, she suddenly decided to face Kylo Ren on her own.” Finn’s face falls and he shrugs. “She didn’t want anyone to intervene… I guess she wanted to protect us.”

Jannah turns to Rose. “We saw her jump world on Kylo Ren’s ship. We don’t know what happened to him, and we don’t know where Rey went.”

Rose processes all this with a thoughtful expression on her face. Then she frowns and narrows her eyes. “Do you think she let him live?”

Finn scoffs. “I’m sure she would have killed him, if she’d had half a chance. She hates him more than I do.”

Rose eyes him critically and purses her lips. “Mmmhmm...she could have killed him…”

Finn and Jannah shake their heads in unison. “We’re sure he’s still alive,” she says, covering him, for which he’s grateful. He isn’t in the mood of explaining it to anyone yet.

Rose nods slowly and hums. “Then I’m sure that she let him live on purpose.”

“ _What_? No!” Finn exclaims, jumping to his feet, clearly offended. “Why should she show any mercy to that son of a—”

“ _Hey,_ ” Poe interrupts and shoots him a warning look. “Think about Leia.”

Finn’s face turns red and he bites his tongue, swallowing down a retort and other colorful insults. 

Poe watches him for a moment, then rises also. “Tomorrow, we’ll talk about your plans with the rest of the Resistance. Now, it’s time to speak to the crew.” His voice has lowered at the last sentence. 

Everyone nods solemnly and rises. They walk to the exit and pause. There’s a heavy silence. In a few minutes, the life of every Resistance member will change forever. Poe finally steps through the door and motions for them to follow.

“Let’s do this, guys.”

They all walk out to face them together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose is very perceptive...Or maybe Rey isn't as sneaky with her feelings as she thinks 🤔 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> Please leave kudos and write comments if you liked it 😊


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for waiting so long to update 🥺️ I was very busy and stressed but I now have a little time to breathe, so finally, here's chapter 7! 🥳️ Thank you all so much for reading and your wonderful feedback, it really means so much to me and brightens my days! I hope you enjoy this chapter 💜
> 
> As always, thank you so much, my beta readers, for helping me with this chapter:  
> \- hellostarlight (https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellostarlight/pseuds/hellostarlight)  
> \- Megara09 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megara09/pseuds/Megara09)  
> \- Everren (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everren/pseuds/Everren) or @Everren327 (Twitter)  
> \- asongstress1422 (https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongstress1422)

Ben swallows, his heart pounding in his throat as he stares at the spot where Anakin stood just moments ago. His presence has been replaced by a very familiar one, one that makes his heart sink.

“My boy.”

He turns around. There she stands, proud and elegant, small but imposing. Like Anakin, a blue glow surrounds Leia. Despite the warmth in her eyes, he feels like a boy again, guilt filling him after being caught doing something forbidden. No. He feels worse than that. Like a criminal, a _monster_. He lowers his head in shame. After everything he has done to her, he can’t meet her eyes. 

“Mom,” he blurts out, then presses his lips together. He wants to take it back. He doesn’t deserve to call her that anymore, to call himself her son. He lost that privilege years ago.

“Ben.” Her voice echoes from the walls, and his heart sinks. Why does she sound so gentle? Where is the disappointment, the shame she must be feeling? Then again, she had always been good at hiding her feelings, at putting on a calm and friendly facade if she needed to. Is this just another diplomatic approach, a way to deal with people like him?

“Ben, look at me.”

His breath hitches but he keeps his eyes stubbornly trained on the floor. Feeling her presence again after over a year is surreal enough. He didn’t expect to ever hear her voice again. He bites his tongue to keep any words from tumbling out, from doing more damage. What could he say anyway?

There’s nothing he could say, nothing he could do that could heal the damage he brought upon the galaxy. He killed them all, his whole family. His father, his uncle, and now his mother. His nails dig into his palms, and he closes his eyes, as if that could block her out somehow. Sensing her, knowing that she’s _dead_ , that he won’t ever feel the softness of her touch again, sends a chill to his bones. 

It’s his fault. He clenches his jaw hard, but his chin begins to wobble anyway and his eyes are burning. If he cries now, he won’t be able to stop. When was the last time he cried in front of his mother? Probably after one of his nightmares. He had them almost every night when he was ten years old, the lack of sleep taking a heavy toll on him. It was torture, but he would live through it again if he could only feel her embrace one more time. But there’s no one there to soothe him; this is a nightmare he can’t wake up from. There’s nothing he can do to bring his mother back. It’s too late.

He whimpers and folds into himself, covering his face with his hands. He tries to stifle the sobs at first but then breaks down entirely. Tears race down his cheeks in an endless stream. When he hears her approach, he folds further into himself, trying in vain to quiet down. He flinches when her hand touches his shoulder. 

“Oh, my son,” she whispers, “don’t mourn for me.”

But the tears keep spilling over his face and his shoulders are shaking with his sobs. He can’t stop. Why can’t he stop? But Leia stays with him, breathing deeply, evenly. He concentrates on it, tries to match her rhythm, until his sobs finally die down. 

His voice wavers when he speaks. “I… It’s my fault.” He swallows and struggles to form the words. “There’s nothing...nothing I can say or do, nothing that could excuse—” His voice gets caught in his throat and he stops. He slowly lifts his head to look at his mother. His hair falls away from his face, revealing flushed skin and red eyes. Leia’s eyes are warm and sympathetic. He wants to scream. He doesn’t deserve her sympathy, and he doesn’t want her acceptance either.

“I haven’t come to judge you, Ben,” Leia croons to him softly. “I have come to help you.”

“Nobody can help me now,” Ben snaps and jumps up, stomping away and grinding his teeth. “I’m a lost cause, a monster.” His voice is dripping with bitterness, and he spins around to look at Leia. “I’ve killed Dad, Uncle Luke, and now _you_.” 

“I’ve seen monsters.” Her voice turns to steel. “Snoke was a monster. Palpatine is a monster. _You_ are _not_ a monster.”

Ben shakes his head vehemently and presses his lips together. “You don’t understand. I made these choices. After all the sacrifices Dad and Luke made to bring me back home, I refused to stop. Even after Snoke was dead, I refused to turn back to the light.”

“It wasn’t really a choice,” Leia argues and steps into his field of vision. “Not a _free_ choice, anyway. Snoke manipulated you for your whole life. Of course his death wouldn’t erase the damage he left.”

“You knew about Snoke?”

She lowers her eyes and heaves a great sigh. She looks older now, more fragile in a way that has nothing to do with the physicality of her projected form. 

“I always felt something was wrong, even before you were born. I was so worried, but...Luke told me that it’s normal to have some darkness in the light.” She looks up at him, her eyes soft. “You shined brighter than anything I have ever experienced… But Snoke, that evil bastard, latched onto you like a parasite, attacking you even before you had the chance to make your own choices. I should have done something sooner, I should have protected you. But I was too afraid.”

Ben looks away and clenches his teeth. “Even so, it was my choice to stay. I could have gone with Dad. I could have gone with Rey. Snoke couldn’t hurt me anymore.” He looks back to her and points at himself. “It was _I_ who killed Snoke, not Rey.”

“I know, Ben, I know.” Leia holds up her hand, a tiny smile on her lips. “I knew even before Rey confessed it to me.”

He blinks at her. “She told you?”

She nods and folds her hands in front of her. “I could tell from the look in her eyes whenever she or someone else talked about you. She avoided any and all questions about what occurred on the Supremacy, so I knew something must have happened between you two.”

Ben averts his eyes, not willing to see her far-too-knowing look.

“When I asked her about it, it was like a dam broke and the truth came pouring out of her.” She chuckles to herself. “The poor girl must have carried that weight with her all alone. She felt so much guilt and regret—”

“And _shame,_ ” Ben interjects, a dark look in his eyes. He spreads his arms. “How could I blame her? I didn’t even see her. I thought I understood her, but I didn’t. So when she left, I felt betrayed, like _she_ deceived _me_ in some way. I didn’t have the right to feel that way.” He huffs and begins to pace, his steps echoing from the walls. “I should have known that she didn’t want to rule the galaxy, that she wasn’t interested in power at all. Of course she wouldn’t leave her friends behind. I was so _blind_.” He runs his fingers through his hair and squeezes his eyes shut to block out the memory of her despairing face. “Of course she refused to take my hand—”

“You offered her your hand?”

He stops in his tracks, his eyes wide. When he risks a peek at his mother’s face, heat starts rising in his cheeks. She’s just like his grandfather.

“It wasn’t like that,” he snaps. Or was it? The way Leia worded it sounds like… He hesitates. Well, hadn’t it been like that? Wasn’t it more than wanting her to rule at his side? In his chest, his heart begins to beat faster. He was so desperate for her to join him, to be by his side as his partner, his… He lowers his head to let his hair cover his face. There is a reason why he always preferred to wear a mask. “At least, I don’t think she understood it that way…” he admits to the floor.

“Rey is far more perceptive than you think, my son.” His mother sounds amused, and Ben refuses to look at her. “She was just as scared as you, Ben. It wasn’t an easy choice for her.”

_I did want to take your hand. Ben‘s hand._

He looks up at her, the words all but pouring out of him as he tries to explain to her, tries to make her understand. “I finally found someone who understood me, who accepted me for who I am, and I still messed up. I hurt her, and you—” His voice quavers and he takes in a shaky breath. “I wish I could just disappear; I wish I was dead. I wish I never even _existed_!” 

“Don’t you dare say that!” Leia snaps, and Ben flinches at her harsh tone. “Don’t you dare throw away your life like that.”

“I never caused you anything but misery.” 

Leia shakes her head and approaches him slowly. “That’s not true, Ben. You brought so much joy to our lives. You gave meaning to it, _true_ meaning.” She comes to a stop and looks up at him. She’s so small compared to him. Compared to just about anyone, really. But she was stronger than all of them. She lifts her hand to his face and cups his cheek. “We missed you, Ben.”

Tears well up in his eyes. He missed them too, more than anything. “We can never go back to what was. Dad, Luke, you...you’re all gone.”

“No one’s ever really gone,” she whispers, smiling up at him. “Luke said that to me, by the way. And he was talking about _you_.”

His chest tightens, and he closes his eyes. “If only I knew then what I know now,” he chokes, “I would change everything, make it better somehow.”

“But you still can. You may not have been ready in the past, but I know that you are now. Take your chance and free yourself, become the person you were always meant to be, no matter what name you choose.”

“When I joined Snoke, I thought I’d be free, that I would find my way and finally become the person I was always meant to be.” The corners of his mouth turn down in bitterness, his tone reflecting the emotion. “I thought that I finally belonged. But I was wrong.”

He draws a deep breath and turns his head to the side to stare into the darkening sky. How much time has passed since Rey left? It seems like it has been only a few minutes, but at the same time, it feels like he has been here for a lifetime.

“When I met Rey, everything changed. She turned the world I knew upside down. She...challenged me, fought me, and defeated me several times...but I wasn’t even angry.” He's not sure where the words come from or why, for once in his miserable life, it's not awkward to talk to his mom about his feelings.

 _“Solos_ …” Leia mumbles, and Ben throws her a questioning look. She snorts and pats him on the shoulder in a conspiratory way. “Go on.”

Ben furrows his brows in confusion but continues. ”I started to question everything. Snoke, the First Order, myself... But at the same time, I never felt so hopeful, so much like...like I belonged. Like I finally found what I had been searching for.”

Leia’s eyes soften. “You love her, don’t you?”

“More than anything,” he says without hesitation, awed by the pure truth of the statement. Then his voice grows more urgent, almost desperate. “Mom, I can’t lose her.”

“Oh, my darling, my sweet boy. Don’t be afraid.”

“I know what I have to do, but what if I fail again? What if I’m not strong enough?” Ben asks, his voice almost cracking from the overwhelming emotion.

“You won’t fail, I know it,” Leia says with certainty. “I never stopped believing that you could do good, Ben. And look at you…” She smiles sweetly and strokes his cheek. “Look how you’ve grown! You have become so handsome.”

Ben clears his throat and turns his head away. He’d always been uncomfortable when she said something like that. 

Leia chuckles, then lets go of him. “Rey is a woman worth fighting for. Go to her, stand by her side when she faces Palpatine.” Her expression darkens, turning into the fierce general that defied all odds to stand against the power of the First Order and triumph. “It’s time that old bastard is destroyed for good.” She motions for him to bend down. He leans down to her height and closes his eyes when she places a soft kiss on his forehead. “I love you, my son.”

When he opens his eyes again she is gone, but the tingling feeling of her kiss lingers. A breeze blows over his face and he notices tears on his cheeks. He wipes them away and straightens, taking a look around the ruins. His fingers brush over the lightsaber at his hip. Taking it in his hand, he ignites it. The blade crackles and spits in fiery red. He stares at it. It feels so wrong now, like it doesn’t belong to him anymore, like it belongs to another person.

He walks to an opening in the wall facing the storm outside. There, he stops and stares at the crashing waves, then turns the lightsaber off. He takes one last look at it, then hurls it in a high arc. Seeing it be devoured by the ocean feels right, like some weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

Turning, he hurries deeper into the ruins, feeling more energized than ever. He knows now what he has to do. _Wait for me, Rey_ , he thinks and runs through the ruins of the second Death Star.

Now, if only he could find a damn ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think of the conversation between mother and son? :3
> 
> Please leave a kudo and a comment if you liked it or want to share your thoughts! ☺️

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! :)  
> Please kudo and leave a comment!


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